My heart sank on that day because those in mental health recovery looked up to Robin. We saw an example of a man who lived with a mental illness and also addiction, and yet used the depression to bring humor and laughter too so many. And therein lies the problem with so many of us: we assume that people can simply pop a pill, change an attitude, pick themselves up by the bootstraps, surround themselves with friends, read the Bible or pray more....the list goes on. We think that there is some easy cure and there is not. We assume that recovery is a destination and it is not. Recovery is actually a journey, not a place where you attain perfection.
My heart, and the hearts of so many around the world, sank in fear upon learning the news. Many of us tend to think that we have somehow achieved and so we grow lax in how we take care of the mental health condition. We fail to realize that more often than not, we have a life long battle. We don't want to believe. We want the magic pill and it is not there.
This blog today is not some cheery, happy go lucky, solve a problem type deal. It can't be. My heart is much to heavy with his death and how my life has been this year. That's reality. January and February were extremely rough months with the difficulty with my wife, the suicide of a friend, a hospital stay for my son. My emotions have been all over the place. From there a stalker came into my life and caused me much grief. I lost most of my weight, not because I tried, but because of the constant stress. A deep depression set in, and I masked it with a flurry of activity. When I took my sabbatical, I knew that I was in deep trouble. Visual hallucinations had briefly visited me for several weeks and dark thoughts came wondering why I would not take my own life. I resigned most everything that I was involved in, so that I could take care of myself. I was able to get some clarity.
When you are in severe pain, you can not think rationally. Of course Robin had everything, but the pain of the depression overcame that eyesight. The pain can overwhelm someone quickly. It can suffocate them. One looks and reaches for whatever they think can end that pain. They see no other way out. The tools that they have in their mental health toolbox don't seem to be working. To take one's own life is not cowardly - it's just that the pain is way too much. When trapped in a desperate situation, people do desperate things, including even taking their own life.
I have many tools in my mental health toolbox. I am using them all right now: meditations, friends, family, reading, writing, prayers, projects, medications, eating and sleeping habits, and yes even a little wine (which makes glad the heart). It's been extremely hard work, but the extreme dark place is gone.
When Robin died, many of our hearts sank. They sank because those of us who have suffered with depression, know of the extreme hard work that it takes to stay in recovery. Our hearts sank, because we knew that it could have been us. It could have been me.
Robin was not a coward, as one broadcaster stated. He was courageous. He fought extremely well for at least 30 years. We really will never know what caused his last decision and speculation needs to stop. We need to remember his genius that was born out of pain. We need to remember his brilliance, his creativity, his laughter, and his ability to make us laugh.
We need to remember to take care of ourselves and to encourage one another. We need to share our stories. By sharing our stories and coming out "of the closet" we encourage others.We are not immune and Robin's death should be a sobering reminder to keep up the very hard fight.
RIP Robin and thank you for all that you gave to us.
Blessings
David
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